Posts Tagged 'the room'

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY #1

I’m tired of coming up with semi-clever titles for my Sunday posts, so from now on anytime I do an entry on Sunday that covers a wide range of subjects, it’ll just be put in the new Sunday, Sunday Sunday series. If you don’t get the triple Sunday reference, this kind of ad should refresh your memory:


EPIC!!!

Here are the random things that I dwelled on this week:

-So another Middle Eastern country (Libya) is in a state of unrest, and of course the oil companies (or whoever the fuck is responsible) has used it as an excuse to once again ass rape us at the pumps. I could do a 1,000-word, expletive filled rant on the price of oil, but I’ll spare you, and I’ll spare myself the brain hemorrhage that would result from thinking about it for too long. Suffice to say, when it comes to the news or politics or however you want to categorize it, the asinine reasons the price of oil goes up and down is #1 on the list of things that can piss me off the fastest. Some motherfucker sneezes in the Iranian desert, and somehow that means I should pay more for gas in South Carolina. Go figure.

But that’s not what I’m getting at this time. I saw THIS article linked on Drudge on Thursday and could do nothing but shake my head and clench my fists. The headline reads, “Obama Says Pentagon exploring Libya options.” My initial reaction was, “Why?” Why are we exploring ANY military options with regards to civil unrest in Libya? Why should one American life be put in harm’s way to stop Libyans from harming each other? Hello? Bueller? I simply do not understand this thinking. We have no money to spare at home, but to help mediate and ease tensions abroad, we’ll not only put our manpower in harm’s way, but we’ll continue paying for it all with our Monopoly money, because if it’s military spending, there is apparently no limit to what we should be willing to borrow.

What good can come from trying to solve Libya’s problems? The world will be thankful? Bullshit. The majority of the world holds a negative opinion of us, most of the time for doing exactly this kind of thing. Why can’t we mind our own fucking business? Why are all of the world’s woes OUR duty to resolve? If the countries in the surrounding area don’t care enough to do anything about it when it may affect THEM, why should we? These are very simple questions, but our leaders refuse to answer them. We should initiate airstrikes on Gaddafi‘s forces? WHY? Then we’re responsible for cleaning up the mess. We should give weapons to the rebels? Look how well THAT idea has turned out in the past. Just stay. The fuck. Out of it. We owe nothing to the Libyan people. NOTHING. You guys gonna give us exclusive rights to your oil, and at a discount? No? Then what else do you have to offer us? What else makes this worth our time?

If the only reason anyone can come up with for us to spend one penny or one minute of our time over there is “those people need our help”, then I’m sorry, that’s not enough. Ya know who needs our help? The people of Detroit. The Border Patrol needs our help. We need to help ourselves in countless ways before we help anyone else on this ungrateful, godforsaken planet. How about trying this, people of Libya…if starting a revolution is worth it, take the risk and HELP YOURSELVES. The United States of America is not the custodian of the globe.

I also love the part in the piece where it essentially says, “China and Russia ain’t doin shit.” See, THIS is the problem, people. The evil nations of the world, who are power hungry, corrupt, and envious of America’s “superpower” status (whatever that means), sit by and wait, while we continually waste money and spread our resources across the world to intervene in matters that have nothing to do with U.S. interests. Why can’t China fix Libya’s mess? And the best part for these scumbag countries? The world doesn’t come down harshly on them, because doing nothing is expected of them.

The sad part is, I believe President Obama doesn’t actually want to intervene over there (at least not in any major capacity), but this is how powerful the military lobby is inside the government. For Obama, his opposition may exist for nothing other than political reasons, because the more the rest of the world requires his attention, the less time he gets to spend trying to accomplish anything at home, something which would surely be used against him by his opponents next year. He needs to remember something; his title is President of the United States, not Police Commissioner of the World.

And to those conservatives who say we should do something because, “America needs to set a moral example for the world”, I have two responses; 1) What good has that done us so far?, and 2) We can’t even set a good moral example amongst ourselves, so first things first.

By the way, in the same article, it mentions that Libya produces 1.8% of the world’s oil supply. ONE POINT EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT, and because production has slowed there, I’ve had my gas prices go up more than 30 cents in a week?!?!

WHY?!!!!?!!!!?

I fucking digress…

-I sort of referenced this in a Facebook post, but I wanted to elaborate. I’m wondering when this huge reversal happened in Hollywood. It used to be you had a talent, became an entertainer, and you became famous through the entertainment you provided. Now, because of stupidass reality TV (and sex tapes of all things), people like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian become famous, and THEN try to become entertainers, too. Paris Hilton stupidly tried her hand at both music and acting, and Kardashian used her sex tape fame to do a reality TV show (which I gleefully have never seen) and now is apparently attempting music. The result is this:

Like I said on Facebook, that is quite literally one of the worst (maybe THE worst) pieces of “music” I’ve ever heard. It’s so bad that I demand to know who is responsible. Did someone in the music industry actually think she might be able to sing? If so, WHO? Did she insist on giving it a shot because she’s so famous now and felt she could branch out? And what producer, once this became a reality, actually said, “Yes, I’ll be the one to try and make this happen!” On a disaster of this scale, we need to find those who are responsible, and if possible, bring them to justice. I wouldn’t equate this to, say, the federal government’s response time to Hurricane Katrina, but don’t you have to put it CLOSE?

All things being equal, I still find Kim Kardashian mildly attractive. But let’s be honest, she’s not famous because of who her father was, or because she grew up already having a talent. No, she became famous because of video that showed up online of her having sex. After that, she started showing up on every Hollywood gossip website because the paparazzi took pictures of her at every party or nightclub or Hollywood event she ever attended. People saw that pictures of her were popular, so someone (AHEM, Ryan Seacrest, ahem) thought it should be taken to the next level, gave her and her family a reality show, and all of this climaxed with reports last month that the Kardashians supposedly made $65 million in 2010. THIS is what being a random attractive girl with some connections in Hollywood can lead to if you’re willing to have sex on camera and then have it “leak” onto the internet. Welcome to America…I guess? In a way I almost respect it. They have shown just what can be accomplished simply by being famous. The American public has shown that having a talent, or ANY value to society whatsoever, is not a requirement if you’re seeking to become a household name. One has to wonder what the deceased Robert Kardashian (a successful lawyer best known for being on the O.J. Simpson defense team) is thinking of all of this. Is he proud, or has be been spinning in his grave so hard and so fast that his body melted when it drilled its way to the earth’s core? I think the latter is a distinct possibility.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If Snooki ever releases an album, I’ll know it’s time to put a gun in my mouth.

EDITOR’S NOTE 2: Let it be known that I don’t mind admitting I find Kim Kardashian attractive, but I never asked to hear her singing voice, nor do I care to know if she can act. Really, I’d prefer if she was seen and never heard.


Now, if you didn’t know who she was, and
I asked you, “Porn star or mainstream
celebrity?” you’d at least have to pause,
right?

For more on the subject of the rise of talentless celebrities, I refer you to the Wikipedia page famous for being famous, which also lists other notable useless celebs.

-My evisceration of last week’s Oscar show got me to thinking of who I would want to see host the Oscars in the future. Because when I complain about something, I try to also offer solutions.

One thing that’s hard to figure is exactly what audience the Academy wants to reach. Do they even know? Everybody wants to go “young”, but what does that really mean? They want 18-22 year olds to watch? The only people that watch the show consistently at that age are nerds like me. That’s not the audience they should be after. I would argue that the show doesn’t have to be “young & hip.” It simply has to be good. And by its very nature, awards shows like this are more appropriate for adults. The host and presenters should be funny, with a little bit of edge to them, and they need be willing to try new things to make the show interesting. But really, when you think about what “young & hip” is in 2011, it’s nothing that intelligent Academy members (or intelligent people who watch the show) should be aspiring to. I never hear any so-called media critic saying any of this. They all just want to call the Oscars “long and boring.” It’s a fucking awards show, not a Broadway musical, not a Jay-Z concert.

Anyway, I pondered it, and based on what I think the Oscars should be trying to do, here are 11 people I wouldn’t mind seeing as host for the first time, and a few previous hosts I’d like back for another go.

Will Smith (It’s funny that in all these years I don’t think he’s ever done any big hosting gig. But if you want a ratings spike, hiring the biggest movie star you’ve got certainly couldn’t hurt. I’m not sure how good he’d be at the monologues, but he could do any kind of skit or stage performance.)

Robert Downey Jr. (Like I said previously, he’s great every time he presents, so it’s time to hand him the keys. He’s also the second or third biggest star we have right now, and I think people would want to see him try it.)

Tom Hanks (He’s almost always a presenter, so I think it’s time for Mr. Charming to take the next step.)

Kevin Spacey (It just seems like he’d be very good. He can be funny and witty, and he understands stage presence.)

Matt Damon (I’m not 100% certain he’d be good, but he can be damn funny when he wants to be. I’m just not sure how good he’d be live in front of a huge crowd. But he’s almost universally liked and respected, and I think audiences would tune in.)

Jane Lynch (Come on, this would HAVE to be good, wouldn’t it?)

Conan O’Brien (How has this not happened already? I’m pretty sure he’s been asked a bunch of times but just hasn’t been willing for whatever reason.)

Jerry Seinfeld (Maybe just because I miss his standup comedy. I don’t know if it’d work, but I’d love to see him try it.)

Justin Timberlake (He’s the guy a lot of media people point to as a logical choice, and I’d certainly be interested in seeing him try it. His SNL hosting was excellent, but can he hold and sway the huge crowd inside the Kodak Theatre?)

Bill Maher (If you wanted to go the edgy route, I think he’s a good option. Yes, there’d be a lot of left wing political references that would drive me nuts, but he’s fearless, and most importantly, he’s funny!)

Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais (I think you’d get a similar type of show from both, and it would sure as hell be funny. I might ask Gervais to tone down the meanness a bit, but I think he’d be awesome.)

and, of course…

Billy Crystal (Yeah, he’s the safe, classical choice, but damn he knows what he’s doing.)

-I also wouldn’t complain if Steve Martin and/or Alec Baldwin were asked to do it again. Or Maybe Baldwin & Tina Fey together.

RANDOMNESS

Chad Johnson wouldn’t mind playing for the Jets and Jets players would love to have him. Let them have each other. [PFT]

-I find it entirely appropriate that the new Mike Tyson reality show is airing on Animal Planet.

-This is excellent. Fake ads for items representing movie clichés. [Cracked]

-I’ve had a genius idea. I’m coming up with a dream cast for a remake of The Room. It’s not done yet, but when it is, I’ll share it here. Let’s just say this, is there anyone else who could play Johnny in a Room remake better than Nicolas Cage? No, there isn’t. Feel free to share any of your casting ideas with me.

I must see The Room live.

-How cool is this?

-This one’s for Gnarly Gnarlingtons only:

Recommended Listening: “Shelter”, by The XX

Have a super duper week.

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Things I’m Wondering

This is sort of a sequel to my “Things I Find Disturbing” post. I’ll admit the world often confuses me. People confuse me. It makes me wonder…

I’m wondering why most British actors can do perfect American accents, but the only American who can do a decent British accent is Robert Downey Jr.

I’m wondering why “I couldn’t care less” and “I could care less” mean the same thing. Seriously. This makes no sense. Couldn’t care less is cut and dry. You could not care less. Zero concern. No room for confusion there. But if you could care less, which inherently means you care a little, how is that the same as not caring at all? These are the things that keep me up late at night. That, and the voices.

I’m wondering why the word “employee” has become taboo. Now, if you work somewhere, you’re an “associate.” Is this a politically correct thing? Because that would be really stupid. Is it meant to give employees a higher sense of purpose? Because It doesn’t. Personally, I refuse to call myself or anyone else an associate unless you’re working at a law firm. You know what, giant retail chain, instead of giving me a new label, how about paying me and everybody around me properly for the work we’re doing instead? I’ll gladly denigrate myself and be your “employee” for another buck-fifty or two per hour. How about staffing the store properly when it’s busy instead of being deliberately cheap, and then acting surprised when customers walk out the door because they aren’t being helped. Oh that’s right, it’s OUR fault when that happens. If you expect fewer people to do more work and get the same results, you’d better incentivize them to buy in by paying them for the extra work that’s expected.

I’m wondering when the federal law was passed that requires all athletes to wear Beats by Dre headphones as they enter the arenas prior to their games. They’ve literally got 100% of this market.

I’m wondering what the endgame is in Afghanistan. It’s fairly clear now that the Afghan people WANT to be ruled by someone like the Taliban. They don’t care about freedom, because really, what is there in that country to aspire to have if it even was a democracy? They have no self-discipline, and they have not the desire to acquire it. I hate calling what we’re doing there a “war”, but if we’re to call it that, our presence in Afghanistan is now the longest “war” in American history, and by all accounts, only once have we been seriously close to our objective (capturing or killing Osama bin Laden and the al Qaeda/Taliban leadership)…and that was in December, 2001. We’re at almost 10 years of having no fucking clue where these people are.

What’s the solution? If I had the perfection solution, I’d have a government job and be making a lot more money than I am now. However, the reason I’ve supported staying there for so long up to this point is the same formerly logical reason we’ve been given by our military commanders and two most recent Presidents; if we up and leave, the Taliban and other terrorist forces will seize the country again, it’ll become a breeding ground for terrorist activity, and eventually a staging ground for future attacks against the U.S. Well, I’m at the point now where I’m willing to say, “Fine. Let them try it.” Their success rate wasn’t that good prior to 2001, and it’s been even worse since. And oh by the way, if we leave, the Afghan people will be oppressed again. Can I say now that I don’t care? I care no more about them than I do about Egyptian freedom. Guess what? If you live in fucking Afghanistan, you’re oppressed by default. IT’S AFGHANISTAN. There are certain places in this world where human civilization was not meant to thrive. That’s one of em. Afghanistan is a mountain range, not a country. Let the terrorists use that barren wasteland to train on their jungle gyms and run around with AK’s. We’ve given the Afghan people enough of a chance to assert themselves and to form a responsible government, and they’ve thus far shown no collective desire to make that happen. Sigh…let’s face it, folks, there’s just never gonna be a Wal-Mart in Kabul. That’s the sad truth. Simply, it is now as it was prior to 2001…not our problem. The U.S. is not solely responsible for making life better for all people across the globe. We haven’t yet been able to give even close to 100% of our own population an overall high quality of life, so where does this arrogance come from that says we should attempt it 10,000 miles overseas? <– At the cost of thousands of American lives and billions of dollars, both of which would be better spent on American soil.

I saw this sickening statistic the other day that in 2011, at current pace, we’d spend more than $107 billion on Afghanistan. That equates to $293 million a DAY. That is unfathomable. We already know we’re spending too much money in general, so there’s yet another fantastic reason to get the fuck out of there. Save lives, save resources, and save money. The more I see of the rest of the world’s “desire” for freedom, the more of an isolationist I become from a national security standpoint.

Yes, my will to “stay the course” in Afghanistan has been broken, and to be truthful, I only wish I’d come to this realization years sooner. I admire the people (some of whom are people I know) who were saying this from the outset. It’s difficult to admit my error in judgment, but I’ve seen no viable progress, and 2010 was the worst year yet for American casualties in that country, despite our newfound “resolve” in putting even more troops over there. The blunt fact is that nation building is a waste of our fucking time, money, and manpower. We’ve got a big enough nation of our own that needs serious reconstruction. It’s high time we let other countries build, rebuild –or, if they so choose- destroy themselves. I believe we should continue covert operations in Afghanistan and into Pakistan to try and locate and destroy the inner network of our enemies, but we are not responsible for the well-being of every single person living within the borders of the countries that these a-holes operate in. I challenge Barack Obama to have the courage to stand up to the military bigwigs and use his Constitutionally granted powers to get our troops the fuck out of Afghanistan once and for all. And don’t leave behind a giant base or new embassy. And don’t leave 50,000 troops behind just because. Just. Fucking. Leave.

And if one of the things deterring the decision to leave is pride, then GET OVER IT. So what if they outlasted us? So what if they ran out the big bad Soviets and now the big bad Americans? We’ll be bringing our troops back home to the United States of America. If the terrorists want to brag about “beating” us, just walk away with your middle finger in the air and give em this one-liner, “Yeah, but you’ll still be living in Afghanistan. See ya!”


No end in sight. No hope to be found. No reason to stay.

I’m wondering why every media market has a radio station named KISS FM. It’s not THAT great a name. Really, it isn’t.

I’m wondering who it was that asked for a third Big Momma’s House movie. We really don’t need to give “Thief Cop” Martin Lawrence any more reason to continue acting, do we? NOT EVERY MOVIE THAT GETS A SEQUEL NEEDS TO THEN BECOME A FUCKING TRILOGY!!! Blame comic book movies for this trend. Honestly, when was the last time a movie franchise stopped after part 2? It doesn’t happen. And nowadays, the third movie is usually greenlit before the second movie even comes out! If you have an even moderately successful movie, and you can get a sequel made, you can probably get a trilogy. And then, even when your third movie bombs creatively and/or financially, you can wait 5 years, then convince some moron that a 4th movie is a good idea, too.


This is happening…whether you like it or not.

-After finally seeing The Room, I’m wondering what friggin nationality Tommy Wiseau is. Every bio I can find of him says he’s American, but does anybody believe that? Listen to him! He sounds like he was parented by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Christopher Walken. Nobody knows anything about this guy prior to 2003. I think he was just spawned into existence by Satan with the script to The Room, and was told to cast the first 6 people he saw. I know one thing; Tommy Wiseau was not born in America. It’s not true. It’s bullshit! He was not born in America. He was naaaaaht.

P.S. I’ve had The Room Soundboard open as a tab in Firefox for 4 straight days.


What are you?

I’m wondering when the first really good or great movie of 2011 is going to come out. I really hope 2011 isn’t 2009 all over again. We’re mid-February now, and my ballot for next year’s awards contenders is still blank. Granted, the only actual 2011 movies I’ve seen are No Strings Attached and The Green Hornet, and there are a couple movies out now (Just Go With It, The Eagle) that I’m curious about, but as each day passes, I’m thinking more and more that those can wait a few months til they’re on Netflix. I’m not going to see Sanctum (in 3D or otherwise), I Am Number Four (which looks awful), or the mothafuckin Justin Bieber movie. Last year at this time, we’d already gotten The Book of Eli and Shutter Island, which both ended up with multiple Biggie nominations. I’ll go see Unknown, but I’m not expecting anything from it. I’ll see Drive Angry (not in 3D), but only because I can’t resist the chance to see Nicolas Cage go insane again (and Amber Heard is supahot). Hall Pass looks amusing, but again, that’s probably a wait-for-Netflix (the Farrelly Brothers‘ movies are less visually interesting than a Kevin Smith flick, if that’s possible, so why see it in theaters?). It looks like it’s up to The Adjustment Bureau or Sucker Punch to be the first movie this year that I actually love, but neither one is a sure thing. Sadly, the advance buzz on Sucker Punch has not been good, but I will keep the faith. The pressure’s on, Zack Snyder! Regardless, 2011 has a lot of work to do in March and April to make up for this slow start.


Save me, Matt Damon & Emily Blunt!

I’m wondering when Matthew McConaughey is finally going to realize his full potential and focus on roles worthy of his talent. This man needs an Oscar nomination, dammit. I want A Time to Kill McConaughey back. I want Contact McConaughey back. I want Amistad McConaughey back. I want U-571 McConaughey back. And yes goddammit, I want Reign of Fire McConaughey back. Why do I randomly bring this up? Because Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is running almost nonstop on HBO right now, and if I’m flipping channels and I see it, I always end up watching about 30 random minutes of it, mostly because of the charming way McConaughey carries the film. I’m reminded of why I like him so much as an actor and how much I miss him being in great movies. He’ll be 42 this year (yikes), and after wasting almost an entire decade in completely forgettable movies, it’s time for him to stop doing romantic comedies once and for all and put his talents back to proper use. He’s a likable guy, and I think audiences would enjoy seeing him headlining good movies again. I think The Lincoln Lawyer looks interesting, but it’s probably just a small step in the right direction. I don’t know if it’s him or his agent who thought it would be a good idea to try and turn him into Mr. Romance, but somebody needs to start making sure he sees some better scripts, and soon. He needs another breakthrough part, be it in a lead in an indie film or a strong supporting part in a big studio drama (if “studio drama” isn’t an oxymoron). More than that perhaps, I think he needs a really good director to believe in him enough to give him a part that might otherwise be going to any number of other trendy leading men.

A Time to Kill in particular holds a special place in my heart. It opened in July of 1996, a month after I first began working at General Cinema in Framingham, MA. I was 16, and I must have seen it 3 times (hooray free employee movies!). It was one of the first pure dramas I ever saw at the theater. One of the things I remember coming out of it the first time was wondering who the hell this Matthew McConaughey was, because I’d never seen him in anything prior, and I thought then (and still do) that he was brilliant in the film. Turns out, most other moviegoers were just then discovering him, too. I still think he has the look and the range of talent to do just about any good role, and here’s to hoping he agrees, and cares enough about his craft to make it a priority going forward.


Still one of the best-delivered monologues I’ve seen in a movie.

I’m wondering when MTV is gonna realize there are more interesting things to put on TV than people drinking, partying, arguing and trying to have sex. Those are the 4 pillars of MTV programming. Not that I actually care per se, but admittedly Jersey Shore is a guilty pleasure of mine, and they seem to have lost their way this season with regards to what they think we as the audience will find interesting. It also annoys me because every other MTV show they advertise on Shore is people doing nothing but one those 4 things (sometimes several of them simultaneously). Personally, I don’t need 50% of each Jersey Shore episode to be about Sammy and Ron, the single most annoying, non-violently destructive relationship in the history of earth. Why are you showing us this shit? Because it’s not entertaining, and neither person is likable while they’re having these stupid, unintelligent, endless arguments. If we’re watching two people on TV, and they aren’t entertaining, and we don’t like either of them…that’s BAD TV, a-holes. There is NOTHING redeeming about them. I could rant about this for an hour, but I’ll digress for my own sanity. Let’s just say I hate relationships where it’s plainly obvious the two people aren’t meant to be, and both of them know it but won’t act on it. I hate it when people refuse to end shitty relationships because they somehow enjoy being miserable and making everyone around them miserable.

Anyway, on season 3 right now I’m having fun trying to see what’s going on behind the scenes and how they try to edit around the fact that these people were full on celebrities when they taped this part of the show last summer in Jersey. Every now and then you catch funny stuff in the background that they can’t hide, like the huge crowd that just sits and waits outside the t-shirt shop while they’re inside “working.” It’s hard to see, but in a couple shots you can tell the police have a whole section of that boardwalk roped off so the store doesn’t get overrun with fans. And almost every time they show the cast leaving the store, you can hear people yelling at them in the background. Must have been nice for business (for those who don’t know, that dude who owns the t-shirt store also owns the house they stay in). Their fame was most easily seen when literally a thousand people were watching Snooki get arrested on the beach. Most of the time that’s just a passerby event where you’d see a few people rubbernecking, but if it’s a Jersey Shore cast member being arrested AT the Jersey Shore, that’s the most important thing happening there that day. A lot of people find Snooki endearing, but I for one hope her 15 minutes of fame are over with first among this crew of reality celebrities (whatever that means). Let’s face it, she has absolutely nothing to offer the broader world, and making a living being dumb is nothing to be proud of or aspire to.

I dunno, it just seems like this season, MTV has tried to make things a little too serious, when all most of us want to do is laugh at these people. Jersey Shore is a comedy, and MTV needs to realize that as they move forward with the show (which they are, as they plan on sending the cast to Italy in season 4). The funniest, most likable guy in the house, Pauly D, is now merely a supporting player. One more thing, MTV. How in the bombastic fuck are you STILL not shooting this show in HD?! It’s the biggest show in the history of the network, and we’re stuck having to watch it in 4:3. It’s 2011, guys. Even reality shows are shot in HD now. Spend the money and buy some goddamned HD cameras. Jesus. That said, feel free NOT to shoot Teen Mom in HD. In fact, feel free not to shoot it AT ALL.

I’m wondering how long it will take Bill Belichick and the Patriots to annoy me piss me off at the upcoming draft by trading away that Raiders’ first-round pick (#17 overall). No doubt they’d try to turn it into one or more second round picks NEXT year, which annoys the piss out of most Patriots fans. As always, I hope they keep that pick and use their own first-rounder (#28) as well. I like that they’re able to stockpile picks so well year after year, but I’m also on the side of those who believe the team needs good players NOW, not next year or the year after that. In this draft, I also wouldn’t be opposed, if they so choose (which they almost certainly won’t), to using both first-round picks to trade and move up into the top 10. If I recall correctly, the Pats have 7 of the first 100 picks, which is excellent in theory. But it’s only relevant if they actually USE them.

My longstanding theory is that the Patriots must cash in their chips now, while Tom Brady is still in his prime and while Belichick is still viable as a coach and has his wits about him (aka before he gets too old). Because once either of those two pieces falls, it’s likely the whole damn thing as we know it collapses around them. The Patriots need good players now, because it won’t fucking matter if we have the #1 defense in the NFL 5 years from now once Brady is old or gone, and the Pats are like two-thirds of NFL teams and back looking for consistency at the quarterback position. Unfortunately, the time when Brady isn’t MVP caliber is on the horizon, and coming sooner rather than later. And unless I’m missing something, they aren’t grooming an Aaron Rodgers-level heir to the throne like the Packers were able to do (sorry, Brian Hoyer). To that end, they need to surround Brady with as much talent as they can now while they’re still an elite franchise. That seems like common sense to me, but the moves the team makes don’t always support that logic. Having a bunch of nobodies on both side of the ball who overperform is all well and good, but from time to time, you also have to add players with elite talent to go along with the 97 role players. We need people who can make big plays when they need to be made, on offense and defense.

I don’t know much about this draft class, but I do know the Patriots’ needs. Their first priority has got to be a pass rusher, either at defensive end or outside linebacker. I’m tired of seeing our secondary picked apart because opposing QBs have all the time in the world to make a decision. I believe their second priority should be a deep threat receiver, preferably someone 6’2″ or taller. Yeah, we survived getting rid of Randy Moss, but once the “death by a thousand cuts” passing game was completely shut down by the Jets at the worst possible time, we again were shown how important it is to have that deep threat if you need it. In my dream world, they’d use some of their high picks and trade for Andre Johnson or Larry Fitzgerald, but sadly I think there’s a better chance I’m hired as Patriots GM than there is of either of those trades happening (even if it makes sense! Which it does! Argh!).

And once the CBA is dealt with, they gotta stop fucking around with Logan Mankins and SIGN his ass. Give him the goddamn money. He deserves it. Again, so long as you’ve got Tom Brady at MVP skill level, you need the best players around him that you can get. And that starts with the offensive line that’s protecting him. Mankins is one of the top 3 guards in football. You don’t let that get away when you have the money to spend to keep him. Enough with the franchise tag crap and sign him long term. Brady isn’t like Ben Roethlisberger and Michael Vick, who can make up for a shitty o-line by escaping pressure with their feet and throwing on the run. Brady can’t do that, so you MUST keep the offensive line as strong as possible. To that end, offensive line is the third and final major priority in this year’s draft. Pass rusher, deep threat receiver, solidify the o-line. That’s what I’m trying to do if I’m Bill Belichick. Only problem is, I’m not Bill Belichick.

-I know no one wants to hear this, but if I get it off my chest, I’ll feel better…and that’s what counts! I’m wondering why it takes twice as long to get over being sick as it does to BE sick. 2 weeks ago, I got sick for 5 days, and I’m now on day 9 of coughing and spitting and sneezing up the dead remnants of that sickness in the form of nasty globs of mucus. I’ve had enough! End it! Like I said, I’d take two or 3 sessions of puking this shit up in one day over 10 days of slowly getting rid of it. This also gets me to wondering…at the peak of your illness, how does your head contain all this nasty shit? I’m sure there’s a medical explanation, but until I hear it, I’m going with my theory that while you’re sick, your brain shrinks so that your head can fill up with mucus. This explains why you can’t think straight and have no creativity while you’re sick. Your brain is only large enough to allow you to perform the basic functions of life. This makes perfect sense to me.

I’m wondering how Dustin Pedroia continues to play baseball so well at age 45.


Pedroia at Red Sox spring training this week with a frightening combover.

If YOU’RE wondering why there still isn’t an NFL team in the second biggest media market in America, ESPN Los Angeles did an excellent feature on the efforts that have collapsed since the Raiders and Rams left town, and the two primary ownership groups now who are bidding to bring National Football League football back to that horrid sports town. A very interesting read. [ESPN LA]

There you have it. 15 random things I’ve been pondering. Like the “Disturbing” list, I’ll add to this one as time goes on and the world continues befuddling me.

Before we go, if you’re one of the 15 people who didn’t see this earlier this week, I’ll share it again. Behold, the brilliant teaser trailer to the upcoming zombie video game Dead Island, a game I’d never heard of until I saw this trailer, but one I’ll be very interesting in keeping tabs on going forward. I’m still trying to find out who did this beautiful music and whether or not I can acquire an mp3 of it somewhere.

CAPTAIN TEK WANTS

YOU

To report for duty.

It’s baseball season, bitches.


Manny Who?

ADRIAN GONZALEZ REPORTING.

 

-Now that I’ve figured out how to post audio on here, I’m gonna include some recommended listening on each post, to show off my varied taste (or lack thereof, depending on your own tastes) in music. This time around, it’s a great track of the newest Kings of Leon album, Come Around Sundown, and it’s called “Back Down South.” Have at it.


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