Posts Tagged 'bad movies'

Free Review of a $200 Million Turd: THE LONE RANGER

spanish poster

The Lone Ranger (from the team that brought you Pirates of the Caribbean, didn’t ya know?!) arrived in theaters last week to scathing reviews, low industry expectations and minuscule audience anticipation. Of course, by that “team”, I’m referring to producer Jerry Bruckheimer, director Gore Verbinski, and star Johnny Depp. Here we have another project that took a long, troubled road to the big screen – a road that Disney probably now wishes it hadn’t traveled. The final box office tally for the film’s opening weekend was a disastrous $48.7 million for the 5-day holiday weekend. For comparison, Despicable Me 2 opened strong with $143 million over the same period. Wall Street analysts are now saying that Disney could end up losing $150-190 million total on the movie. That’s a big deal, but a company the size of Disney will absorb that without blinking. The only thing it will really cause is some bruised egos. Anyway, it’s still not as bad as the $200 million hit Disney took last year on the stinker known as John Carter. So‚Ķthere’s that. Nor is Jerry Bruckheimer likely to feel much heat given how much money he’s made for the studio with the Pirates movies, especially given the [unfortunate] fact that a fifth one is on the way.

So why did Bruckheimer think that a cheesy western TV show from the 50’s would make an exciting $215-250 million (depending who you ask) summer blockbuster in 2013? The fuck if I know, brah. I thought this was a terrible idea from the get-go when it was announced several years ago, so its creative and financial failure doesn’t surprise me one bit. I’m not celebrating its failure, but I am happy that audiences knew better and rejected it. That’s a positive sign. I only wish they’d do so more often (like, say, on the 4th Pirates movie). I guess Bruckheimer felt that if he can turn a theme park ride into a multibillion-dollar franchise, he and his boys could do it with any property. Unfortunately for him, that is not the case. I’m not as big a fan of “TV crime show/epic adventure-fantasy film producer” Jerry Bruckheimer as I was “R-rated action movie producer” Jerry Bruckheimer from the 90’s, but I still respect the guy a great deal and consider myself a fan. Just don’t expect to see CSI: Topeka on my DVR, and I will not be fooled into paying to see Pirates of the Caribbean 5 in theaters. Never again!

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Review: WRATH OF THE TITANS

Fuck it. I’m just gonna say it. I loved Wrath of the Titans. It was awesome. I ate it up. It was better than its predecessor (I know, that isn’t saying much), and it blew away the very low expectations I had for it going in. And now I will attempt to justify that opinion, because I can already feel you looking at me funny. Don’t judge me.

DISCLAIMER: I fully admit that my admiration for and enjoyment of Wrath of the Titans may have been artificially enhanced by the fact that 3 of the 4 trailers that ran before it were Prometheus, The Hobbit and The Avengers. The euphoria of seeing those awesome trailers in rapid succession may have clouded my vision for the following couple hours. If the Dark Knight Rises trailer were also attached to it, I may have just left immediately after the trailer reel. It would have been too much of a nerdgasm to handle. As such, I reserve the right to change my opinion on a second viewing of Wrath, if that viewing comes when I’m cinematically sober.

Continue reading ‘Review: WRATH OF THE TITANS’


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