Posts Tagged '2012 movies'

Review: PROMETHEUS

Prometheus arrived in theaters riding a wave of fanboy hype not seen since…well, since The Avengers 6 weeks ago. Regardless, it was a big deal! The primary reason for all the buzz (and the chief marketing angle employed by Fox) was that it marked Ridley Scott‘s grand return to the sci-fi genre. Of course, Scott first came to prominence in Hollywood via his early sci-fi entries Alien and Blade Runner, two movies that are almost unanimously considered classics. This is funny to me, because I actually find both of those films to be overrated. Blasphemy! I know! File a lawsuit in the Court of Cinema Opinion. Would you prefer dishonesty? Granted, I’ve only seen Blade Runner once, and it was at least 8 years ago, probably 10. I’m smarter and wiser now, maybe after another viewing I’ll ‘get it’. (By the way, at this point, which version of Blade Runner do you even watch? Aren’t there like 5 different cuts of it?) However, I’ve seen Alien more than once, and rewatched it just last fall. And though I like it, I don’t think it’s great by any stretch. I don’t find it scary, I don’t care much for the characters, and I don’t find the sci-fi that provocative. Again, sue me. Perhaps if I’d first seen it as a kid. Who knows? I understand how new and cool it was in 1979, but it just doesn’t work for me now. In general, I’m lukewarm on the Alien franchise, and to me James Cameron‘s Aliens is by far the best in the series. In fact, it’s the only Alien movie I’d say I LOVE.

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The 2012 Biggie Awards

The 23rd Annual Biggie Awards

aka The Biggies

for achievements in film for the year 2011

MMXI (that’s 2011 in Roman numerals, noobs), it was a strange year at the movies. Very strange indeed. For the first few months of the year, I thought it might end up being the worst overall year for the number of quality films in my adult life. Though there were a couple nice surprises early on (The Lincoln Lawyer, The Adjustment Bureau), it wasn’t until April that I finally saw a movie I truly loved (Hanna). After that, we went most of the rest of spring and almost the entire summer without a truly great movie, which instead was an unending string of disappointments and bland sequels. And I mean real bland, bland by even modern Hollywood standards (I mean, even Pixar made a subpar movie this year). That includes almost all of the major summer “tentpoles”. The big Marvel Avengers tie-in comic book flicks (Thor, Captain America) were both okay, but just okay. Then there was Green Lantern, which can only be described as godawful. I’m still having nightmares over the fact that a giant cloud of diarrhea was a villain in a movie that cost more than $250 million. Michael Bay continued crushing the memory of my childhood heroes with another shitty mess of a Transformers movie (Dark of the Moon, which was only 8.2% better than that atrocity Revenge of the Fallen), while Todd Phillips followed up one of the greatest comedies ever made (The Hangover) with an offensively lazy sequel that was almost literally a carbon copy of the first. I wanted more from J.J. Abrams‘ much-hyped Super 8 (hated the creature design, hated the ending), and although I enjoyed X-Men: First Class, it didn’t hold up as well upon a second viewing recently on Blu-ray.

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Can we talk about the TITANIC 3D trailer for a minute?

Once 2011 has ended, and I can say I proudly held up my 3D boycott for an entire year, I will lift it for 2012, and one of the movies I’ve already decided I will give a shot in 3D is the re-release of James Cameron‘s Titanic, which returns to theaters in April for the 15th anniversary of its original 1997 release, but more importantly, the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the actual vessel. Nice round number, time to squeeze some more money out of the old gal! I mean…it’s in tribute! It’s in tribute. Totally honorable intentions from all involved.

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The Whitest Black Guy You Know

Full disclosure: I don’t enjoy talking about myself, in real life or on the internets, so enjoy this while it lasts.

I labeled this as a rant, but I’m not entirely sure it qualifies as one. It’s actually something that I just need to get off my chest, which tends to be the origin of most of my blatherings on this site. Let’s get right to it. Those of you who know me in the non-internet world, I want to make something clear that I probably never have until now. When you say to me, “You’re the whitest black guy I know”, it really fucking pisses me off, whether you say it in jest or not. I can’t stand when people say that shit to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that over the years, but I’ll say dozens and that won’t be inaccurate. I’ve gotten it from both white and black people, but mostly white people. Allow me to explain why I’ve decided enough is enough.

Continue reading ‘The Whitest Black Guy You Know’

Rory McIlroy, Whether You Like It Or Not (and other late June randomness!)

Here is the latest trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II, and likely the final official trailer for the entire Harry Potter movie franchise.

I dig it. As I’ve said, one of the greatest strengths of the Potter franchise is its consistency. That may also be its downfall. All of the movies are at least okay, most are good or very good, and none of them are anything close to bad (as movies!- you diehards can argue their merit as adaptations of the books elsewhere with someone who gives a shit). However, because they stay within a certain comfort zone and have to exclude or compact a lot of additional character and plot details/depth from the books, none of them have been spectacularly great, either. I’ve never nominated any of them for Best Picture on my own awards, or in any of the other major categories either (director, adapted screenplay, no acting nominations). I’d love for this to be some Return of the King-level, biblically epic finale, but I have literally 10 years’ worth of Harry Potter movies telling me that would be an unrealistic expectation. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful. And let’s face it, with the way 2011 is going, this is the best chance the series has had to crack the end-of-year “best of” lists.

-Another interesting new trailer is the first clip for Moneyball, based on Michael Lewis‘ best-selling book. It stars Brad Pitt, of all people, as Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane (yes, you read that right). For the non-sports people out there, Moneyball is about how Beane was one of the first executives in baseball to adapt sabermetrics and computer analysis into his player personnel decisions (a common practice now, probably most expertly utilized by Theo Epstein and his team for the Red Sox if I do say so myself), and how his careful attention to minor statistical details allowed the small market, low budget A’s to field a competitive, playoff-bound team at the tail end of the steroids era. It’s a fascinating inside-baseball story. I haven’t read the book, but I’ve always been curious about it. In other words, if I read books at the same frequency I see movies, I’d have read it long ago. The project has a solid cast (Robin Wright, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jonah Hill, and most interestingly former MLB player Royce Clayton making his acting debut playing another real baseball player, Miguel Tejada), but took a long time to come together, because yeah…how do you make a movie about this that more than 50 people will want to see? Whether or not you care about baseball or sports movies in general, there’s only one thing you need to know about this to get your ass in a theater…the script was written by Mothafuckin Aaron Sorkin (he is now elevated above being just Aaron Sorkin). I would watch a movie written by Sorkin if the subject was the forming of a friggin internet company (ba-dum-bum). Moneyball comes out September 23, positioning it as one of the first awards contenders of the year, though I’m not totally convinced this is an awards-bait type movie. I’m very interested to find out. Regardless, I love baseball movies, and I love movies and shows about behind-the-scenes goings on (something Mothafuckin Aaron Sorkin specializes in), so I think it’ll be right up my alley.

-I saw the trailer for Horrible Bosses again in front of Green Lantern. I think the movie has a great [whitewashed] cast and looks really funny, but I can’t get over the logic breakdown with regards to Jennifer Aniston‘s “boss” character. Am I really supposed to believe a guy in his early 30’s is gonna be offended by his superhot female boss constantly making sexual advances at him? That’s every man’s dream! Geez. They better address this conundrum in the movie, cuz right now, I ain’t buyin it. And on the topic of whitewashing (this is going to be a recurring theme going forward, like it or not- I’ve f’n had it with Hollywood’s hypocrisy), it’s worth noting that the only black character we see in the trailer (played by Jamie Foxx) refers to himself as the “murder consultant.” Need I say more?


No! Don’t do that! Get away!
Puh-leeze, bro.

-It’s looking like Quentin Tarantino‘s next movie, Django Unchained, has the potential to be even more badass than Inglourious Basterds (the first film of Tarantino’s that I truly loved). First off all, what a cool premise; Django, a freed slave, teams up with a German bounty hunter to take on an evil plantation owner in order to retrieve his long-lost love, Broomhilda. It was just announced that Jamie Foxx will play Django (awesome!), and we already knew that Basterds Oscar winner Christoph Waltz will play the German bounty hunter, and the villainous plantation owner will be played by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio’s first major villain role, and it’ll be a Tarantino villain. Holy shit. On top of all that, Tarantino veteran Samuel L. Jackson will also appear, playing the right-hand man to DiCaprio. I’m sorry, but that is one fucking amazing cast. The role of Broomhilda is not yet locked in, but rumors are it may go to Kerry Washington, who I also adore. Tarantino is claiming this will be made in the style of the old Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns, a genre that’s always had a huge influence on his style. My friends, Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained; one more reason 2012 will be the best year in movie history. Just remember who’s been calling it.

TV Recommendation: If you have Netflix Watch Instantly, I must politely demand that you check out the BBC’s new Sherlock Holmes show, simply called Sherlock. The show debuted last year, and was just 3 episodes, but each episode is close to 90 minutes long, so they’re more like TV-movies than episodes. This iteration stars Benedict Cumberbatch (which may be the most British name in history) as Sherlock Holmes and Martin Freeman as John Watson, who in this version is British army doctor who has just returned from a tour in Afghanistan. What’s most interesting about the show is that it takes place in modern day, and it assumes the classic, 19th century Sir Arthur Conan Doyle characters never existed. It’s a very cool way to “reboot” that character on television. Funny enough, Martin Freeman is playing the younger Bilbo in Peter Jackson‘s two Hobbit movies, and Cumberbatch was recently announced as being cast as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Two of the three episodes were directed by Paul McGuigan, who directed the highly underrated Lucky Number Slevin (as well as the properly rated Push and Wicker Park). His direction and visual style are on point, so the episodes aren’t just movie-length, but they also look as good as a studio movie, too. Though the show is totally unrelated to the Guy Ritchie/Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movies, some of the show’s visual style is certainly reminiscent of the new movie, and the music from the show is heavily influenced by Hans Zimmer‘s fantastic 2009 Holmes score, and I intend both those things as a compliment. The middle episode was just okay, but the first and third parts are excellent. They’re beautifully shot and exquisitely written. I won’t spoil anything, but the way they handle and introduce Holmes’ arch nemesis, Moriarty, is equally great. I can’t recommend this highly enough. Good drama, good detective procedural stuff, great writing, great acting, great filmmaking, and thick British accents. If you’re interested in any of those things, this show is for you.

No word on when we’ll be able to see season 2 in the States (to the best of my knowledge it hasn’t even aired in the UK yet), but I am really excited to see more of this version of these characters.


BAM!

-So the first season of Game of Thrones is over, meaning I have nothing to watch on HBO until the final season of Entourage begins late next month (sorry, I don’t do True Blood). After just 10 episodes, I’d say Game of Thrones easily makes my all-time top 10 favorite TV shows, if I had an official list (I don’t, though the top 3 would be locked in: Star Trek: The Next Generation, The West Wing and 24). I thought it would be really good, and I was excited because it was going to be so ambitious, but I couldn’t have imagined I’d love it as much as I did. Thank god for HBO, because this show could not exist in this form on any other network. They’ve been hit or miss of late (you couldn’t get me to watch Hung with a gun to my head, and Treme just looks utterly boring, unless you live in New Orleans), but GoT was a 3-run homerun. It wasn’t a grand slam, because I’m pissed that the first season was only 10 episodes (but you can understand why, when these 10 shows cost a reported $100 million). I love these characters, and I find this fantasy world fascinating, rich with detail, and full of life. And it’s still obvious they had to leave out a great deal from George R.R. Martin‘s 4 books (though if I’m right, the first season only covers part of 1 book). The only thing I didn’t like about the finale was that it ended on such a huge “Holy shit! Now what!?” cliffhanger. I’m becoming increasingly less and less a fan of cliffhangers as season finales on TV. I’m outright angry that I’ll now have to wait until April 2012 for season 2 to begin (HBO loves a long wait). That said, the books are out there, and because I’m so interested in finding out what happens next (and I want more details about what we’ve already seen), I’m probably gonna end up buying the books sometime soon and diving in, because I refuse to wait 10 months to learn more. If this season doesn’t get nominated for at least a dozen Emmys, the TV Academy is even dumber than the Oscar voters.

-In this space, I was going to do a bit about Shaquille O’Neal‘s retirement, but in the interests of time (I wanted to get this posted by Sunday), it’s getting left out. For now. I was gonna do an entire post about Shaq, because he was the first professional athlete I was ever a true fan of, and if not for him, I might not be as big a sports fan as I am today. Maybe I’ll get to a Shaq retrospective at some point, but for now, thank you Shaq, for making me an NBA fan, which eventually allowed me to become a fan of the NFL and MLB. It’s just a shame you couldn’t stay healthy when you were finally on my home team. Despite that, it was cool to see you in Celtic green, even if it didn’t happen til you were 39. The game will not be the same without you. With the loss of Shaq, that leaves 2 or 3 true centers left in the NBA. In Shaq’s glory days, we had Hakeem Olajuwon, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, and Alonzo Mourning (when he was healthy) all clashing with each other. It was the pinnacle of big man play. Now, the utterly skill-less Dwight Howard is considered the “best” center in the league. Ugh. I miss the NBA from 1994-2000. I miss real centers (6-11 or taller big men with skill, athleticism and strength).

Rory McIlroy, an unassuming 22-year old from Northern Ireland, is golf’s new superstar, whether you like it or not, whether it’s actually true or not. This is the power of the media in 2011. The reason is because he blew away the competition this past weekend to win his first major, this year’s U.S. Open. He did so by leading wire-to-wire and winning with a U.S. Open record final score 16-under par and an Open record score of 268. The national sports media, lacking someone to idolize now that Tiger Woods‘ career is stalled by injury, age and personal matters, has been begging for years for “The Next Tiger”, or at the very least for someone to consistently challenge Tiger at the major championship tournaments. When Tiger isn’t winning, they turn their focus to Phil Mickelson, but Mickelson is hit or miss during most majors, and he and Tiger are rarely great at the same tournament. Also, for the casual fan, when Tiger isn’t doing well, golf just isn’t that interesting. Thus, the sport (and all its well-to-do writers) needs another player who is good enough consistently enough to draw attention to the sport, and viewers to the TV ratings. Many of these people believe McIlroy is that player.

I agree that golf needs a new star, or at least a backup star for when Tiger is out of action for extended periods of time (aka right now). My problem is how quickly and unanimously the sports media has leaped onto this McIlroy bandwagon. They want a new star so badly that the first guy who showed any kind of legitimacy is being handed the throne in Tiger’s absence. I say it’s too soon. And I’ve always hated when everyone in the media thought the same thing. There’s just something inherently wrong with that. And I looked. There’s hardly anyone brave enough to cast any serious doubt.

This reminds me of how the media spent a decade desperately trying to find “The Next Michael Jordan“. How many guys did they give that label to? At least 10? And how did that turn out for Isaiah Rider, Anfernee Hardaway, Jerry Stackhouse, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady and Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner? The closest we ever got is Kobe Bryant, and I think the Jordan vs. Kobe debate is a legitimate one. The point is that it’s not good enough that a player be extremely talented. He has to also win. A lot. That’s what sets Jordan and Tiger (and yes, Kobe) apart. What also sets them apart is an unrivaled competitive drive.

This is also akin to what Hollywood has been doing for the last 10-15 years, trying to force new “movie stars” on us (i.e. Ben Affleck, Colin Farrell, Orlando Bloom, and now guys like Sam Worthington, Bradley Cooper and Robert Pattinson), instead of letting it happen naturally. They don’t realize that audiences make movie stars, not casting directors or producers. It’s very similar in sports, where stars are made with a combination of skill, winning and fan adoration. You can’t just tell us Rory McIlroy is The Man. He has to earn it.

And please, while you’re at it, name the last non-American athlete who was truly a superstar in America. If we still don’t care about David Beckham, why is a 22-year old Irish kid gonna capture the hearts of Americans? As far as mass appeal goes in sports, Americans generally love Americans. I could personally list about 5 non-American athletes I greatly respect and admire (Roger Federer for one), but for Joe ‘Podunk’ Smith in Missouri, if it ain’t Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson, he’s not someone worth remembering. Maybe I’ll be wrong about this, but I doubt it. Until then, if McIlroy hasn’t won 5 majors by the time he’s 25, he’s not The Next Tiger Woods.

The good news is McIlroy isn’t buying into his own hype, and I’m certainly not implying he’s cocky, or anything like that. In fact, all signs point to the contrary. This false/premature idolatry, like much of our woe, is the media’s creation. For my money, I hope Tiger was watching the U.S. Open and thinking, “I can’t wait to come back and kick this kid’s ass.”


You ain’t Tiger, bro.

-I’m starting to get interested in the 2012 election. The Republican field seems to be taking shape, and President Obama has all but jettisoned the idea of getting anything done and is basically in full re-election campaign mode (which is kind of infuriating, isn’t it?). It seems to be true that a new President has about a year and a half to implement policy, then he spends the next year and a half fighting with the opposing party, and spends the final year campaigning for his job. Have I mentioned that the two-party system SUCKS FUCKING HIPPO ASS? Yes, I have, haven’t I?

I’m not particularly enamored with any of the GOP candidates (as always, I need to state that despite my constant railing against liberals and Democrats, I am not a Republican), but I was pulling for Mitt Romney in ’08, and I’m glad he’s the frontrunner now, although obviously it’s still very early. However, most pundits get the sense that Romney will maintain this momentum, and that Michelle Bachmann is likely to be his most formidable challenger. Bachmann seems to carry herself well, but like many of these guys, she’s probably too far to the right for my personal taste, and the attack dogs in the mainstream media will do everything they can to attack her credibility. Though it’s hard to imagine the media hate for her eclipsing what they did (and are still pathetically doing) to Sarah Palin. I don’t get the sense that Jon Huntsman or Tim Pawlenty can set themselves apart (they’re too, how shall we say…vanilla), and Rick Santorum is way too far right for me (basically, if you bring God into 100% of your policy decisions, you’re too far right for me). I continue to admire Ron Paul‘s fighting spirit, but after ’08, it’s clear his libertarianism will not get him the support needed from the GOP base to make any serious headway. He also doesn’t LOOK presidential, does he? President Paul? I don’t think so.

I don’t know if he’s a good enough candidate yet, but nothing would please me more than to see Herman Cain win the nomination and challenge Barack Obama for the presidency. I wonder, will the media cry racism every single time Cain gets criticized? Actually, I don’t wonder at all about that. Of course they won’t. Cain is a great speaker and an energetic presence, but we still have a long way to go. I didn’t officially endorse anybody last time out, but I’d certainly like to be able to strongly believe in a presidential candidate for once. God forbid.

-LAWL! Did you know that President Obama’s position on gay marriage is “evolving”? Sounds deep. In the words of Keanu Reeves…whoa. [Politico]

-Because just about everyone on the internet has weighed in on this, I thought it might be worth a moment to talk about the death of Ryan Dunn, the Jackass star who drove his Porsche while intoxicated at twice the legal limit of Pennsylvania. As a result of his drinking and likely a good amount of stupidity he already had, he crashed the car at such velocity (reportedly he was driving as fast as 140 mph, nearly triple the 55mph speed limit) that it basically disintegrated upon impact with a tree, killing himself and his passenger instantly. And I chose those words on purpose. He didn’t die, he killed himself. It was no accident. When you drink that much and then decide to get into a Porsche, you want to crash. I’m not gonna say he deserved to die, but yeah, better the drunk asshole than an innocent bystander or innocent motorist who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Are you getting the sense that I have no sympathy here? I’m not happy about it, of course, but let’s face it, the man died as he lived. It’s pure luck that it was 3:30am and that he only killed himself and his friend. That’s something to be thankful about.

I also found interesting that Dunn’s fellow Jackass mate and close friend Bam Margera threw a weeping hissyfit once a few people on Twitter pointed out how unsurprised they were by Dunn’s death. He choose to lash out against those people, instead of using his influence among young people and fans of Jackass-like insanity to point out what can happen when you drink and drive, and to actively speak out against it. That was sad.

And now here’s Margera and his mom several years ago predicting Dunn would do this:

-Finally, if you can’t get enough Stanley Cup Bruins porn, check out the 9-minute video in this story of the Bruins visiting Fenway, placing the Cup on the mound and throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. [RedSox.com]

Recommended Listening: I know a lot of you don’t share my love for electronic music, but I’m kind of obsessed with this song right now. This is Ron Hagen & Al Exander‘s “Now is the Time (Armin van Buuren Intro Edit)”, and it’s track 1 on Disc 2 of Armin van Buuren‘s A State of Trance 2011 compilation. I love the mood this song creates. It’s got both a sense of longing and regret, but with some hope mixed in as well. In other words, pretty much exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. This is what electronic music does better than just about every other genre, in my view…it encapsulates moods and feelings. That’s what most people who dismiss it don’t understand. Their loss.  Anyway, check it out, brah:  

Things I Find Disturbing

This one is simple enough. Just a random, bullet point list of, you guessed it, things I find disturbing. Many of these things truly do piss me off, but this isn’t a list of things that piss me off. Anger is temporary. The things I’m talking about here have become issues over time, and many of them are only getting worse. If you feel the same way about any of these things, seeing someone else bitch about them in a reasonably humorous, intelligent manner may help you cope. I’m here to help. Like George Carlin, I think I’m at my best when I’m complaining. On top of my love for writing and a desire to keep those tools sharp, it helps my general mental state to get things off my chest in this kind of forum. I’ve thought on and off about many of the following things for months, sometimes years. Don’t take this stuff too seriously, but I am serious.

I find it disturbing that people use lyrics from rap songs as noteworthy quotes on their Facebook pages, instead of quotations from people, living or dead, who are/were actually intelligent and thought-provoking. Here’s a news flash; those lyrics are just as shallow as the ignorant morons who uttered them in their music, and you look just as ignorant by extension. This is no knock on talented musicians. There are many great lyrics in many great rap songs performed by many at least 4 or 5 great hip hop artists. I just wonder what’s going through a 20-something white girl’s mind when she writes something like, “Gettin this money, nigga. Ain’t nobody stopping me.” No, you’re just going to work, and nobody’s even trying to stop you. Let it be said that looking for insightful quotes on relationships from rappers is equally absurd, yet I’m seeing it done all the time.

In general, let’s stop holding up people like Lil’ Wayne as heroes. Aside from his accomplishments inside a recording studio, Dwayne Carter Jr. has done little that anyone should be looking up to.

-Speaking of white people and rappers, I find it disturbing how a lot of white teenagers are now casually calling each other “nigga”, like black kids in urban areas have been doing for years. I’m talking about middle class, suburban white kids, too, not white kids who happened to grow up around black kids who used the word a lot. This is ironic, because the majority of white kids who grow up with black kids wouldn’t dare use that word around them (hear Eminem use it much?). I see it happen on Facebook sometimes, and I’m hearing it a lot while playing with some of these kids on XBOX. I’m sorry, but the n-word (in any form) should not be in casual use amongst white people. Blame the absentee parents, blame subpar schooling, blame pop culture and stupid reality TV stars, blame whatever, but this kind of blatant ignorance is a gaping wound in our society. I grew up in an area where a lot of black kids called each other nigga casually. I’m half black, and I remember the one time in my life where I called another kid ‘nigga’, and I instantly regretted it and never did it again. I knew that it wasn’t part of my personality to talk like that, and I knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be. Even as a teenager, that word meant something to me, even if it didn’t to them, and actually saying it in context made me feel awful. By the way, it shouldn’t be used amongst young black kids, either, but for obvious reasons it would be a lot harder to eliminate its usage from black culture than white.

I find it disturbing the degree to which cell phones and the internet have degraded people’s ability (and apparently their desire) to use the English language. It’s bad enough that most Americans know only one language, but when they willingly abuse and abandon that one language, we all look dumber. On my own end, I’ve made a concerted effort in recent years to speak better, and I always write in proper English online (or at least acceptable English), whether it be in an email, text message or just a status update on Facebook. Is society in that big of a rush that we can’t take LESS THAN A SECOND to add an apostrophe or the extra letter or two it would take to spell a word correctly? It’s fucking ridiculous. When I speak in public amongst friends or co-workers, people will often look at me funny, which in turn makes me look at them funny. It’s now strange to many people to hear the language being spoken properly, with words containing more than one syllable. I find that disturbing, and sad.

When I write things like “LOLZ”, “O HAI”, “ZOMG” et al online, I’m doing it on purpose- to accentuate a point, not because I’m being lazy. I try to avoid lazy internet abbreviations as much as possible. There’s nothing wrong with writing casually online (to a point), but it seems to me that many people now would be incapable of writing the right way if they needed to. I’d hate to see what some people’s college papers look like. You’ll never see me write “prolly” when I mean probably, “ppl” when I mean people, “dnt” when I mean don’t, etc. And I know this is a pipe dream, but I would literally sacrifice a year of my life if it meant everybody would properly use you’re/your and there/their/they’re. I also use proper punctuation as often as I’m able. One more goddamn thing friends…when you want to use an ellipses (…), it’s only THREE (3) dots, not 2, not 5, not 7, not 14. Adding extra periods does not create suspense.

I saw someone a couple nights ago write, “Whut up?” as their status. What’s wrong with the letter “a” there? Why spell a word wrong using the same amount of letters? That is so illogical I just broke my neck from my head spinning. Is one of your cool, hip buddies gonna think less of you if you wrote, “What up?” Is anyone really gonna think to themselves, “Yo, this cat lame yo, spellin 2 wurds straight da right way. I can’t be seen wit dat dude no mo’.”

I will again ask any female reader why in the blue bombastic FUCKTARD you guys unnecessarily add letters to the end of words. You’ve all seen it. For example, “Hungry. Having some snackssssss” What the fuck do the extra s’s indicate? The number of snacks you’re having? You’re having 6 snacks? 6 bites of a snack? What? “I’m boreddddd” Well, with 5 d’s, you must be REALLY fuckin bored. You don’t see me writing, “Off to see a movieeeeee”, “Got some extra cheeseeee on that pizza”, “Heading out to the clubbbbb”, do you? Extra letters at the end of a word can serve no practical purpose. It just looks like your finger got stuck on the last letter and you were too lazy to hit backspace a few times. Stop being dumb on purpose! It’s NOT a good thing!

Please, please, please stop butchering English. It’s a beautiful, complex language. The best in the world, if I say so myself. Use it! It’ll make you smarter! You may not realize this if you spend a lot of time on the internet, but smart is better than dumb!

I am completely unapologetic about this stuff. It offends me that people CHOOSE to present themselves as stupid online. If you think me too mean or anal or self-important about this issue, a) you’re missing the point, and b) I truly don’t care. Be thankful I didn’t address the people who spell letters using num83rs.

I find it disturbing how rude people have become in everyday conversation. I can’t tell you how often I’m talking to someone at work, and someone in the vicinity who’s been listening takes it upon themselves to interrupt me (without saying ‘excuse me’ or otherwise indicating they’d like to cut in). And what makes it worse is when they try to interrupt and I keep speaking (which is my way of saying, “Wait your fucking turn”), and they just talk LOUDER over me until I can no longer be heard without yelling. This person will not be silenced, and they certainly will not wait their turn to speak. They are taking over this conversation with THEIR point, whether you like it or not. I mean, fuck you, interrupter. One, mind your own goddamn business. Two, if you have something to contribute to a conversation between two other people, simply wait until there’s a break in the conversation and THEN indicate you have something to add. Or wait until the conversation is over and then add something. We were all raised by human parents, yes? This is common courtesy. Or so I thought.

In some of these situations, it would be less rude to shut me up by kicking me in the nuts. Simply drowning me out with your own voice is not only rude, it fucking pisses me off. It’s the arrogance of it. YOU have something more important or more funny to add than whatever I’m saying, so you’re gonna outright stop me from talking to get your better, more important point heard RIGHT NOW. I guess this is a secondary example of the “now” culture we live in. We want stuff faster. We want stuff now. Information. Services. Results. Our need for immediate satisfaction has expanded from the realm of technology and seeped into our personal connections. And we’re not going to wait, even if waiting is prudent, or in this case, simply polite. You can’t offend your computer by yelling at it because it’s not giving you what you want fast enough, but you ought to realize you can offend people with a similar demand. And this is saying something coming from a misanthrope like me. If you can get me to empathize with humanity, you’ve really fucked up. When I see this happen to someone else, I get just as angry as if it were being done to me. I think I just created a new tagline in the midst of this rant. I’m creating stickers that say, “Fuck you, interrupter.”

I find it disturbing how uncreative Hollywood is at naming their movies lately. Do I really have to go to a ticket window next month to see the new Liam Neeson movie and say, “Can I have one for Unknown?” Honestly.


“Mr. Neeson, what’s your new movie called?”

“Unknown.”

“You don’t know?”

“No, it’s called Unknown.”

“Ohhhhhkay.”

I find it disturbing that Tom Brady‘s hair is still being compared to Justin Bieber‘s by some people. Maybe you idiots haven’t noticed, but Brady’s hair doesn’t look like it was glued to his fucking face in a swirly pattern. Bieber’s hair looks like the hair you put on a Lego person. It looks like it’s one piece that pops on and off. He’s probably got a buzz cut underneath and just pops the vortex hairpiece on when he goes out in public.


These two look similar how?

Tom Brady does NOT look like this:


This is an example of people blindly picking up on pop culture references. Friends, if you hear someone say something, and upon review it doesn’t make any sense, you don’t have to say it anymore. K?

I find it disturbing that fans can’t enter a “Be An NFL Ref For A Day” contest. I want to throw yellow flags as hard as I can, make goofy hand signals and dramatic announcements about “illegal hands to the face” in front of 65,000 people. That looks like fun.

I find it disturbing that within hours of the Tucson shootings last weekend, vile left-wing a-holes like Michael Moore, Paul Krugman and pretty much everybody on MSNBC had the audacity to claim that supposedly heated political rhetoric from Sarah Palin and the Tea Party this past election created the atmosphere for the shootings to take place. Ignored was the fact that the shooter appeared to have left political leanings, and that regardless of his political views, he’s a fucking lunatic, who wasn’t inspired to violence by Sarah frickin Palin or anyone else. Kudos to President Obama for not jumping on that bandwagon when he made his first remarks about the shootings. And shame on the liberals who jumped to conclusions, claiming it was hate coming from the right that induces violence like this. Thankfully, within days, ALL of these people looked like complete fucking morons and disgusting hypocrites, when Michelle Malkin posted THIS on her website, a play-by-play on virtually every act of violence and political hate speech displayed by the left over the past 10 years. You could not find a more brilliant, slap-in-the-face rebuttal to the ignorant, baseless finger pointing by dishonest people like Moore. And I’m not normally a big Malkin fan. She’s much farther right than I am, but everything in her piece is sourced and factual. I thank her and her staff for doing that research so fast, and I can only imagine it was done because she was as angry as I was that people would try to play politics with such a tragedy.

I thought Bill O’Reilly was brilliant in his analysis, and you can watch that video HERE (couldn’t get the embed to work).

I find it disturbing that Arnold Schwarzenegger just came out and claimed that his tenure as California governor cost him $200 million in lost income and personal expenses. Meanwhile, during this time, California went how many billions more into debt? Not the wisest thing to say in public, Ahnuld. Oh woe is not you.

-Lastly, I find it disturbing that I have to wait until 2012 to see all the amazing movies that are coming out in 2012. Doesn’t seem fair, does it?

“Life’s a bitch, naw betta yet a dumb broad/ I bet I could fuck the world and make it cum hard” – Lil’ Weezy!, from his seminal song “Gonorrhea” (Ladies, next time you wanna use an inspirational Lil’ Wayne quote, keep in mind what he really thinks of women)


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