Archive for the 'RANTS' Category

The 2017 Biggie Awards (and my Top 10 & Bottom 5 of 2016)

The 28th Annual Biggie Awards

for the love of movies.

Celebrating achievements in film for the year 2016

So 2016 has come and gone. A year I had big hopes for about 15 months ago turned out to be quite a dud in the grand scheme of things. It was even worse than 2015. For the second year in a row, I rated no theatrical release a ‘9’ on IMDb. There were no masterpieces, no all-time greats. There were some really good movies, and I put almost 20 more films on my “Movies I Love” list, but in terms of quality and the ability to stand the test of time, even the second or third-best movies of most past years would have easily won my Best Picture award over this lot.

Lobster Farrell bury
Me waiting for 2016 to be over.

2016 also broke a pretty long streak of spectacular even-numbered years. It was such a mediocre year that it even gave us a Steven Spielberg movie I couldn’t bring myself to watch (The BFG). General cinematic malaise aside, there were, as always, some highlights…

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You Know What I’d Like to See?

I’ll tell you what I’d like to see. A lot of things. But let’s start with these random 25 things, in no particular order. We’ll cover sports, movies, television, politics, current events, and one sexy automobile.

WARNING: Since many of these turned into their own mini-rants, this post is rated R for language.

-I’d like to see the Boston Red Sox win their third World Series in 9 years, with the most likable team since 2004, and have them win this one at home at Fenway Park. What’s that? DONE, DONE, AND DONE? Excellent!

FINAL OUT

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Dumb Twitter Reactions to the George Zimmerman Verdict

I knew that the instant the George Zimmerman verdict was announced, Twitter would become the most annoying place on Earth. And yet, I couldn’t resist looking and watching people react. I had to. At first, the mass ignorance made me physically angry, but after a few hours, I started pitying the fact that so few people had any clue what the fuck they were talking about when it came to the merits of the case.

The fact is that George Zimmerman, despite not being sent to prison, is still going to live a miserable life for the foreseeable future. He’s virtually unemployable, has no money, will have to fear for his safety at all times in public, and as a result of all these factors, he’ll more than likely have to leave the state of Florida. Among other things.

Sidenote: read an interesting piece about the uncertain future for George Zimmerman.

I’m not going to defend the verdict, although I’ll make my position clear that based on the EVIDENCE and the burden of proof being placed on the prosecution (that’s how it works in America, sorry folks), the verdict was the right one. You can’t convict someone of murder with no eyewitnesses and no proof of intent. It’s that simple. This doesn’t mean I approve of Zimmerman’s actions or support him going forward, but in my view, justice, as spelled out by the law, was served. But that’s not enough for emotional liberals, race pimps like Al Sharpton and the elites in New York and Los Angeles, who presume to know for a fact what happened that night. The only “justice” that matters to these people is someone going to prison for the death of Trayvon Martin.

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Free Review of a $200 Million Turd: THE LONE RANGER

spanish poster

The Lone Ranger (from the team that brought you Pirates of the Caribbean, didn’t ya know?!) arrived in theaters last week to scathing reviews, low industry expectations and minuscule audience anticipation. Of course, by that “team”, I’m referring to producer Jerry Bruckheimer, director Gore Verbinski, and star Johnny Depp. Here we have another project that took a long, troubled road to the big screen – a road that Disney probably now wishes it hadn’t traveled. The final box office tally for the film’s opening weekend was a disastrous $48.7 million for the 5-day holiday weekend. For comparison, Despicable Me 2 opened strong with $143 million over the same period. Wall Street analysts are now saying that Disney could end up losing $150-190 million total on the movie. That’s a big deal, but a company the size of Disney will absorb that without blinking. The only thing it will really cause is some bruised egos. Anyway, it’s still not as bad as the $200 million hit Disney took last year on the stinker known as John Carter. So…there’s that. Nor is Jerry Bruckheimer likely to feel much heat given how much money he’s made for the studio with the Pirates movies, especially given the [unfortunate] fact that a fifth one is on the way.

So why did Bruckheimer think that a cheesy western TV show from the 50’s would make an exciting $215-250 million (depending who you ask) summer blockbuster in 2013? The fuck if I know, brah. I thought this was a terrible idea from the get-go when it was announced several years ago, so its creative and financial failure doesn’t surprise me one bit. I’m not celebrating its failure, but I am happy that audiences knew better and rejected it. That’s a positive sign. I only wish they’d do so more often (like, say, on the 4th Pirates movie). I guess Bruckheimer felt that if he can turn a theme park ride into a multibillion-dollar franchise, he and his boys could do it with any property. Unfortunately for him, that is not the case. I’m not as big a fan of “TV crime show/epic adventure-fantasy film producer” Jerry Bruckheimer as I was “R-rated action movie producer” Jerry Bruckheimer from the 90’s, but I still respect the guy a great deal and consider myself a fan. Just don’t expect to see CSI: Topeka on my DVR, and I will not be fooled into paying to see Pirates of the Caribbean 5 in theaters. Never again!

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The Case Against ARGO (& why the Oscars matter to me)

Argo Grumpy Cat

I shouldn’t be writing this, but I’m fed up. I’m fed up with Argo sweeping every major award this season. More than being fed up, I’m frustrated. I simply do not understand how so many people can call Argo the best movie of 2012. Are people even voting for it because they believe that? Or are there other factors at play? All signs point to the latter, which is complete bullshit. Once again, merit loses to emotion and groupthink. The awards blogs (yes I read them, I’m that big a nerd) will give you any number of reasons that Ben Affleck and his film have swept up in the past month or so, and I find all of them despicable, even more so because they’re actually plausible given what I understand about the inner workings of Hollywood. Let’s just say there are some things I wish I didn’t know.

With the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, devoted fans of films other than Argo are losing hope that their favorite movies of 2012 have any chance of winning the major awards. I count myself among those people.

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Things I’m Sick Of

This is a list of random things that have been annoying me lately. Basically, a series of mini rants that aren’t worth doing as their own posts but put together might give you some amusement. It’s also nice just go get this stuff off my chest, which is the primary reason this blog exists.

Here are nine (9) random things driving me bonkers:

-I’m sick of the lame ideas we’re hearing about the potential Star Wars spinoff movies. If rumors are to be believed, LucasFilm/Disney is considering doing standalone films for Han Solo, Yoda and Boba Fett in addition to J.J. AbramsEpisode VII. I’m a lifelong Star Wars nerd, and I’m sorry, but these ideas couldn’t be less interesting from a creative standpoint. It’s like they took a focus group, and 25 people were asked, Who is your favorite Star Wars character? And of course, aside from Darth Vader, most people would answer Han Solo, Yoda or Boba Fett. When given this information, predictably, Disney’s response was, “Oh, well then let’s make separate movies about each of those characters! Ka-ching, mothafucka!”

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SINISTER, or: Remembering Why I Don’t Waste My Time Seeing Horror Movies in Theaters

Prior to last night, November 1, 2012, I hadn’t seen a horror movie in theaters since Cabin in the Woods back in April, and before that, not since the original Paranormal Activity, way back in 2009. I’ve never been a big horror movie fan. There are a lot of horror flicks I’ve enjoyed, but very rarely do I truly love one. On the whole, I find them tedious, boring, repetitive, unoriginal, and completely lacking in the story department. Most of them are barely movies at all. They’re just a series of cheap scares and over-the-top murder scenes, typically featuring 5 or 6 untalented “up and coming” young actors in the lead roles, with one or two minorities thrown in to satisfy a quota (and so that we all know who’s gonna die first). In that sense, they’re more like thrill rides than movies. Perhaps horror movies should play at amusement parks instead of movie theaters.

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