Written in the Dark: The Facebook Rant

UPDATED: 9/7/12, 4:45am

Oh yes, I’m going there. It’s time for some insightful social commentary a rant about all the annoying things you see on
.

First things first before we get started, I love Facebook as the tool it should be. It is quite simply the best way possible to keep in touch with your friends and family, whether they live near or far. For someone in my situation (for whom most of my friends and family are FAR away), it’s an essential resource to maintain contact and keep tabs on what everyone I care about is up to. Having said that, we all know that this beast sometimes brings out the worst in all of us. We all get irritated by some of the things our friends choose to reveal about themselves, whether it be via what they say, what they link to, or the pictures they choose to share. Sometimes what we reveal is intentional, sometimes it is not (most times not in the case of the things I’ll be talking about). I will of course focus on the things that make us all look stupid, selfish, immature and despicable. Obviously. WINNING.

Disclaimer: These are my reactions to general trends that I find disturbing or annoying. I’m not referring at any point to any one occurrence, so don’t try and read between the lines. These are not attacks on specific people, and I’ll be criticizing myself along the way as well. Again, I do not have any one person in mind for any of these gripes. There is no malice intended. Fo reals, yo. Everything I’ll mention I’ve seen done by several people. I’m commenting here about my own friends’ Facebook behavior, but clearly anyone who’s been on the site for an extended period of time has seen these same tropes acted out by their friends, too. I know with 100% certainty I’m not alone in feeling the way I do about some of this stuff. Also, these do not represent the totality of the things that annoy me on Facebook, but they are the ones that have stuck out the most in the 3 years I’ve had an account there.

I’m sorry I have to say all this tedious crap in advance, but we all know how sensitive some people can get when any criticism is thrown their way, especially on Facebook. So if you see something here that you do on a frequent basis, don’t take it personally. Just stop fucking doing it 🙂

Listen to this while you continue reading (cool people will get the reference);

This post began as a late night impulse. I had to go to bed early Thursday night in order to be up at 5:45am Friday to be at work by 7:00. I’m usually up pretty late, so when I try to go to bed around 11:30-12:00, I end up laying there in the dark with my mind racing, unable to sleep. Well, that night, fully formed rants about Facebook started appearing in my head. I don’t know why, but I know I couldn’t stop it. I thought it was pretty good stuff, and I knew if I didn’t start writing it down, I’d forget all of it by morning. Without so much as turning the light on near my bed, I fumbled around for the notebook I knew was on the floor nearby. I found it, grabbed a pen (I’m a writer…there’s always a pen around) and started furiously purging the thoughts from my head and onto paper.

I have literally never written anything by hand this fast. My hand was writing almost as fast as I could think, as if my subconscious had been outlining this whole thing for weeks. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. I felt like I’d taken the drug Bradley Cooper was on in Limitless. It was a case of the mind taking over the body. My fingers and palm hurt like hell when I was done, and I only got 4 hours of sleep as a result, but it was worth it. And I wrote it all lying in bed in the pitch black, between about 12:15 and 1:00. It seemed like I could see everything I was writing, as if the ink itself was glowing in dark. I didn’t want to turn the light on, because I was trying to get to sleep, but I knew if I got all this stuff out of my head I’d get tired faster. It worked. When I finally stopped writing, I was probably asleep 15 minutes later. When I woke up Friday morning and saw the notebook, I was shocked that almost all of it was legible, and shocked even more by the fact that I’d filled 4 pages, front and back. At the time, it felt like I’d written half that.

I dunno, I just think that’s a pretty cool example of the many ways and random times that writers get inspiration, and the lengths we’ll go to capture that inspiration on the all too rare occasion it comes to us with such intensity. And now those 8 handwritten pages have evolved into 5,600 typed words. I love that. I don’t think it’s my best writing – not even close, but it’s among the most satisfying things I’ve ever written, and other than the couple of scripts I’ve finished, perhaps the longest as well. I’m pretty sure it’s the longest blog post I’ve ever done (and I’ve been blogging on and off since 2002 when I started my Livejournal page using the old AOL dial-up connection), but I promise you’ll be entertained throughout, because if you spend a good amount of time on Facebook, you’ll recognize a lot of what I’m saying. If I’ve done my job well, you may also feel a certain release in having someone else say the things you’ve been thinking.


Fairly neat considering the conditions under which it was written.


A look at my process.

Without further ado, here’s everything I see on Facebook that drives me up the fuckin wall, separated into 5 separate categories, covering everything from the things we say on the site to the manner and conditions in which we access it in the real world.

THE STUFF YOU SAY

-Here it is right off the bat. The thing EVERYONE finds annoying. Basic status updates telling us what you’re currently doing. This is where a lot of people run right off the rails of relevance and into the ocean of the inane. The rule here is simple enough; the more mundane the activity, the more clever or funny you have to be when telling us about it. Specify, you say? But of course.

If you’re gonna post something as utterly boring as “Long day. Tired, going to bed”, you have to at least provide some context. Is there an interesting, unusual reason you’re so tired? If not, why are you sharing this? (<- a question that should be asked of yourself EVERY time you post something, in my opinion) Every one of your friends gets tired and goes to bed, but we don’t all need to say it, do we? Do I write, “In with the oxygen, out with the CO2” every time I fucking draw a breath? Because hearing about how tired you are is just as boring as me telling you my lungs still function. Here’s a suggestion: if you’re doing something that every other human being does every day, it’s probably not worth sharing. I mean, what reaction are you going for by posting something like that? You want someone to reply, “Ohhh, you’re going to bed tonight?! That’s awesome! I’m gonna do that, too!” Truth is, no one responds to boring crap like that, do they? No, because it isn’t interesting IN THE SLIGHTEST.

I for one don’t care if you’re going to bed. I don’t care if you’re staying up all night. I don’t care if you’re going to work, or what your hours are that day. I don’t care if you’re going to school, or what classes you have. I don’t care that you’re playing your PS3 or XBOX. And I imagine nobody else does either. In fact, if I listed all the things people DON’T care that you’re doing, we’d be here all day. Again, if you must tell us about an everyday activity, you have to spice it up. Even if it’s not an exceptional event, you have to make it SOUND exceptional in some way. Instead of saying, “I’m at Wal-Mart. They’re out of mac & cheese!”, tell us about one of the rednecks you saw while you were in there. That’s always good for a laugh. The more mundane the activity, the more clever or funny you have to be when telling us about it. Burn that into your head.

P.S. I don’t care where you are at the moment, either. Especially if I’m not going to be there with you. I’m not keeping records of my friends’ whereabouts, so just be where you are and do whatever is you went there to do. If I wanted to know where you were at all times, I’d attach a GPS locator to your fuckin ankle.

Posting songs via YouTube. We’ve all done it. But again, restraint and exceptional become the key words. I don’t need to see the video to every song you’ve listened to the whole damn day. Also, the more popular and mainstream the song, I guarantee you the less likely it is anybody clicks on it. If you show no restraint and post 3 songs every day, people will just start ignoring you. That’s simple psychology. As a result, when the time comes that you finally post a song that reflects an exceptional moment, like if you’d forgotten the correct order of the days of the week and finally discovered Rebecca Black‘s “Friday”, nobody will notice, and your sense of accomplishment will be lost. This is why you save those songs for when they matter.

-Speaking of music, if more than half of your status updates are song lyrics, it’s time to give independent thought the old college try. If you focus hard enough, close your eyes and clench your butt cheeks, you’ll find that your brain is capable of coming up with its own ideas! BRAAAHM!

Spelling & Grammar. Ugh. Here’s another area I could spend a week on, so I’ll just use a few random examples that I see on a daily basis. Americans’ general state of idiocy is evident nowhere better than when we attempt to write in the language we’re supposedly fluent in. And nowhere is that moronitude (I just made that word up) more glaringly displayed than on Facebook. Umm, first up, WHY DON’T 100% OF US KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘YOUR’ and ‘YOU’RE’ AND ‘THEY’RE’, ‘THEIR’ and ‘THERE’?!?! This is entirely unacceptable. It’s so fucking easy, guys. If I had it my way, nobody would pass the third grade until they understood this. If you don’t understand it at age 18 or above, that’s a felony offense warranting prison time…and torture; you’ll be waterboarded until you get it right. Oh yeah, there are only 2 versions of your, and “ur” is not one of em. A monkey who juggles his own feces isn’t that stupid. Actually, a monkey who juggles his own shit would be pretty clever, wouldn’t he? Smelly, but clever.

Second, if you want to indicate a pause between two thoughts (that’s called an ellipsis by the way), it’s THREE DOTS (…), NOT SEVEN, EIGHT, FOURTEEN, etc. You don’t increase dramatic effect by adding additional dots. You just look dumb. [Insert Napoleon Dynamite “GOSH!” here]

Finally, some of the words I see misspelled on Facebook make me literally want to weep. I just want you to know how sad you make me. Then there are the people who INTENTIONALLY misspell words because it’s trendy. A perfect example of this is people who write “prolly” instead of probably. I mean, that’s fuckin retarded! There’s no easier way to describe it. If you write “prolly” on a consistent basis, you have brain damage. That’s indisputable. I shan’t comprehend that kind of Neanderthal behavior, because I refuse to appear stupid on purpose. I may seem stupid, but it’s by accident, I assure you. I’m convinced that people who abuse the English language online lose the ability to write properly when they need to in school or in a professional setting. I can show you lots of emails from work that prove this theory. If I read 10 emails at work in a day, 7 of them will have several serious spelling or grammar errors. It’s not a priority for people to appear intelligent when they write, and that’s…depressing.

-Have you seen this thing where people use “lol” as a period? You know what I mean. Someone will do this; “Washing the dishes lol” First off, why is that funny? Second, why are you using an acronymn as punctuation? Mindboggling lol

-That stupid little black heart (which appears if you type “<3”) has got to go, unless you’re a teenage girl, at which point immature shit like that is to be expected. When I see posts like this, “Dinner with the girls <3”, I want to blowtorch my eyes out.

Intentionally vague statements. This drives me nuts. If no one but you can understand the meaning of something you post, really, what’s the fucking point? You don’t come across as mysterious, you come across as someone who can’t express yourself or finish a thought. There’s nothing interesting or appealing about that. “That’s the last time!” Oh, is it? Good to know, dipshit.

-If all you do is copy/paste inspirational quotes that you yourself refuse to live by, just know that most of your friends are keenly aware of hypocritical diarrhea when they see it spewing off their computer screen.

-A little modesty would do people good when it comes to celebrating your own birthday. I have seen some of the most self-absorbed bullshit ever written on Facebook from people who can never get enough attention, who think their birthday is the most important day on the Gregorian calendar. In case you’ve forgotten, your birthday is for OTHER people to celebrate you, not for you to celebrate yourself. I’m picturing some of these people sitting at home, baking themselves a cake, blowing up balloons and putting them all around the apartment, and then anonymously setting up a surprise party for themselves.

-Stop saying “FML” (that’s ‘fuck my life’ to you noobs). Just stop it. This falls under one of two broader traits I can’t tolerate on Facebook: narcissism and self-pity. You’ll find almost all of these gripes fall under one of those two categories (a third would be plain old stupidity, a fourth would be frivolity). FML falls snugly in the self-pity column. I hate to say something as trite as “Grow up”, but please, when it comes to your self-pity on Facebook, grow up. There are literally billions of people in this world who have it worse off, who have much more serious issues to deal with than you. Nobody feels bad for you because you stepped in a puddle on your way to work, or because you have FOUR classes tomorrow and you won’t get much sleep tonight. I mean that. Literally nobody feels bad for you. That’s when you know your problem is insignificant in the larger scheme of things. This all goes back to not posting things that no one else will find relevant. Ya know what I say to your FML? F U.

-I’m updating this post during election season 2012, and I’m noticing a lot of people getting incredibly anal about what they do and don’t want their friends saying about politics on Facebook. And there are two types of people in this regard. The first is the person that doesn’t want to read other people’s political views because they perceive their friends to be ignorant or stupid when it comes to what’s actually going on in the world. I can sort of understand this, and I too get annoyed by ignorant political chatter, but you know what I do? I IGNORE it. That’s all it takes. Let that person be an ignorant boob. What difference does it make to you? On the last night of the Democratic convention, I saw someone essentially say, “If you want to post your views, you may as well unfriend me.” Really? Cuz it’s ALLLLL about you. If I want to post my political views, I should first consider, how will *insert name here* feel about me posting this? Grow up, dude.

The second type of person who wants you to “unfriend” them if you dare have something to say is the  guy or gal who simply will not tolerate dissenting opinions on their precious page. You’ve probably seen this at least once; “Before you comment on this post, if you want to disagree with me, you may as well unfriend me instead.” Are you serious? Are we that fucking sensitive that you’d rather someone not be your friend over have your political views challenged?

Political talk is often a touchy subject on any internet forum, but people seem to get especially self-righteous on Facebook. Here’s a hint, Mr. or Mrs. Neverwrong, if you have a strong opinion, but don’t want to actually discuss it in a public forum with people who are supposedly your friends, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! I for one am willing to discuss and debate anything I post on my page, political or not. If I post a political view, it’s because I want to hear what my friends think. What kind of stupid logic is it to post something and then say, “If you also have a strong opinion on this, I have no desire to be your friend anymore.” Give me a fucking break.

So ends the political sub-rant. Stop being so damned sensitive, people. (and pretty please don’t unfriend me for saying this stuff)

I use a simple barometer when it comes to judging the relevancy of my own posts. If not a single person Likes or comments on the post (be it a picture, link, status, or video), than it wasn’t worth sharing. Whether I originally thought it was or not. If not a single person found it interesting enough to react to, I wasted my time posting it. And it’s happened to me many times, but it’s rare. That’s not being cocky, I simply put some thought into what I share. It’s not complicated. The only exception to this rule is if I post a movie review, or a link to one of my own blog posts here, in which case I’m just asking you to follow the link, not react to it on Facebook.

THE THINGS YOU HAVE

-If you want to boast about making a lot of money or making a significant purchase, please consider how you’re going to come across before proceeding. Here’s a good rule of thumb; the more expensive and superficial it is, the more it comes across as bragging. Even if you truly aren’t trying to brag or show anyone up, perception is reality. I don’t know anyone who likes arrogant people. And no, posting a picture of a bunch of hundred dollar bills strewn across your bed (which I HAVE seen! MULTIPLE TIMES!) cannot be perceived as anything other than masturbatory self-congratulating. And since you’re gonna waste all that money on crap you don’t need anyway, I’m not impressed. Or jealous, which was probably your goal.

Ladies, if you got some new earrings or new shoes or a new dress that you think looks good and you want to share, that’s fine. It’s cool. I’ll throw a Like your way on that (if it actually does look good on you). However, girls or guys, I do not care to see a picture of your new 55″ plasma, because really, if I can’t come over and watch it whenever I want, what the fuck do I care that you have a new TV? Seriously, name one reason anyone but you or the people that live with you should care about that. Getting a cool new TV or other expensive item isn’t good enough, you have to let everyone else know in the hopes that they’ll tell you how awesome you are for having it. Well, that’s admirable. Congratulations.

Oh, and congrats on that new car. Do I get the spare set of keys? No? Then enjoy your new vehicle with some humility, will you please? Cocksucker.

-I wonder about people who have more than, say, 500 friends on Facebook. I think 300 or less sounds right for most people. Am I wrong? If you have 1,000 friends on Facebook, you should probably create a Public Figure page for yourself, so people can be fans instead of friends. At that point, aren’t you a local celebrity instead of just another person? Can you honestly say you know 700 people? 1,200 people? Or do you just find it too hard to say no to friend requests? I don’t get it. These are the same people who had 12,000 friends on MySpace. I guess some people like the popularity contest portion of social networking. If you were one of the cool kids in high school, you’re damn well gonna be a cool kid on the internet, too.

If you saw any one of these people on the street tomorrow, you’d recognize them? Would you know their name? Would you even know how and where you met them? There’s another good Facebook barometer. If you wouldn’t know who someone is if they were standing 3 feet in front of you, they probably aren’t your friend, in real life or on the internets.

For me, my friends list is for people I’m good friends with now, have been good friends with in the past, people I’d like to be good friends with, or people I’ve known for a very long time. Everybody on my friends list falls into one of those categories. If I met you at a club 4 years ago through mutual friends, and you remember me but I’ve forgotten you, and there’s suddenly a random friend request in my box one day, I’m gonna consider that a bit strange. I don’t need to “friend” every single person I’ve ever tangentially met. Nor would I want to. And for the love of god, just because we work together now doesn’t mean we’re friends. It’s called a friends list, not a “people I know” list. Hell, I’ve denied friend requests on Facebook from people I knew in high school precisely because I don’t want those people back in my life.

Here’s another rule of thumb for your friends list. If you wouldn’t give that person your cellphone number, they aren’t your friend.

THE WAY YOU ACT

-If you purposefully keep people on your friends list that you don’t like, you probably deserve to be miserable. Don’t say you’re sick of “all the drama” when you actively pursue it on a daily basis. Just man up (or woman up) and admit it – you’re a scandalous motherfucker who can’t function unless someone’s mad at you or you’re mad at someone else. Some people are like that! Don’t lie to yourself. Maybe if you own up to your soap opera lifestyle, you can actually start doing something to change it. We all wish you would.

-If you delete your Facebook account because you can’t handle all the drama anymore, remember it’s probably at least 50% your fault that the drama existed in the first place. But then, I suppose immaturity in real life is only amplified when you get online. And I especially love when those same people reactivate their account days later, because they can’t go on without that internet drama. Life is too boring for these people when nobody is gossiping about them or they aren’t gossiping about others. So sad.

-If, in real life, you spend more time talking about what’s happening on Facebook than what’s happening in the real world we all live in, it’s time to reevaluate your priorities. Facebook should not be the primary fuel for your conversations. Life provides plenty of ammo for that, if you’d look away from your computer screen or your stupid iPhone long enough to notice.

Similarly, if, in real life, you spend more time checking Facebook on your phone than you do interacting with the people around you (remember, those profiles you’re looking at are representations of ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS), it’s time to reevaluate your priorities. You can’t be this kind of an inconsiderate jerk with subtlety. People do notice when you pay more attention to your phone than you do to actual people. Stop posting on the walls of the people sitting right in front of you. Some of us retained the manners our parents taught us, some of us did not. The ones who did not need to be called out.

PICTURES

Pictures get their own section, even though different kinds of pictures could fall under any of the previous categories. Facebook photos are where narcissism thrives. The kinds of pictures you post reveal a lot about the size and nature of your ego. Aside from that, the truth is that probably 90% of all Facebook photos are an insult to photography.

-If the majority of your photos are you sticking your arm out and taking a picture of yourself, it’s time to find something else to take pictures of. Your camera is sick of looking at you. And I’m sick of looking at your BATHROOM via your damn mirror shots. Put it this way, the more the ratio of “self-portraits” to “pictures of you taken by others” favors the latter, the less egotistical you’ll come across. After all, it’s not your fault if other people want to take pictures of you, but it is your fault if you love nothing more than recording your own image. Some people post pictures of themselves every time they comb their hair a different way (the caption always being “New hair!”). Jesus Christmas. I don’t need to know what you look like every single goddamn day. The only people who should see what you look like every day are the people who live with you.

-If you’re an attractive woman, and you take a lot of pictures of yourself in various states of undress, I’m certainly not gonna complain. Just know that it makes you appear very shallow. Most people don’t need that kind of attention. And by the way, girls who post pictures like that have no right to ever whine about being objectified by men. You reap what you sow.

The same goes for guys who work out a lot and post pictures of themselves holding up their shirts to show off their abs. Go fuck yourself, brah. Thankfully, I don’t have a single person on my friends list who does that shit. Why? Because I don’t hang out with superficial bags of douche.

-And girls, STOP IT WITH THE DUCK FACE!!!

Baby pictures. Oh boy. One word, my lovely parent friends: moderation.

-Why does everyone think we wanna see how much snow they got? If it’s winter time, I’m not surprised that you got snow. I lived in Massachusetts for 25 years, I’ve seen snow! I know what a lot of snow looks like. I know what a medium amount of snow looks like. I know what a little snow looks like. I know what it looks like when snow covers your car. I know what it’s like when there’s snow up to your waist. I’ve LIVED it. I lived through some one of the worst blizzards and Nor’easters in New England history.

Unless you live in Arizona, we can all picture in our minds what snow looks like. Even if you live in Arizona, I can picture what snow-covered desert looks like. Flat and white. So we should probably just forgo any pictures of snow whatsoever. Agreed? Unless you used all that snow to build X-rated snowmen (seriously, click on that, that’s some funny shit), what’s so special about it?

Instagram. I won’t bore you with a tirade about not posting pictures of every friggin meal you eat, but suffice to say…the people who do bitch about it are right. If you’re gonna be an asshole and post something every time you eat (no, it doesn’t look any tastier because you added the “Hudson” filter), you have to then take your asshole-ishness to the next level and post a pic of every shit you take. Because we’re all so desperate to know how it turned out!

-Lastly, tone it down with the pictures of you and your pals partying and drinking. If you like going out several times a week, that’s your business, but again, if you don’t strike a balance in the type of pictures you post, people will only see you one way. I don’t need to see proof that you go out a lot. Goodie for you. Get drunk, get high, do irresponsible things, and then do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. I go to the movies a lot, but I don’t take pictures of myself sitting in the theater binging on my cherry icey, do I? Being an alcoholic is nothing to be proud of. It’s actually a serious problem. If the only way you can be happy is to numb yourself with drugs and alcohol, you may need professional help, not friends who encourage you to “have another.” I’ve seen friends battle this addiction, and I’d prefer not to see any others have to in the future.

THE SITE ITSELF

-There’s been a lot of media hype over the past year about people being confused by the new privacy settings. Honestly? Are you that easily vexed? This stuff couldn’t be more self-explanatory. You click on what you want to control, and then you click one of 4 simple options to determine who you want to see that part of your profile. Holy shit! Where’s the owner’s manual, Zuckerberg?

-Many people want a Dislike button in addition to the Like button. What good can come of that? You just wanna be a snarky asshole? If you don’t like something, either SAY SO if you’re that passionate about it, or shut your mouth and don’t respond at all. I don’t see why you’d potentially start an unnecessary internet flame war over some trivial item with someone who’s allegedly your friend. Come to think of it, this whole post is one giant Dislike button for me. But for the record, I don’t want a Dislike button on the site.

IN CONCLUSION

In the end, of course, you can say or post or share anything you want. I’m not gonna begrudge anyone I consider a friend for anything (well, almost anything) they post online, because my relationship with 95% of them is or has been more than just an internet correspondence. I wish more people would keep that in mind before taking things too seriously or taking offense to jokes or little jabs. I guess my thesis is that people should more carefully consider what image of themselves they want to project on Facebook (or anywhere online), and before you do any of the things I’ve listed above, think about how it’ll make you look. After all, these are your friends and family you’re sharing this stuff with. I wish people would THINK more in general. Being impulsive is not always a good trait. If all your impulsive decisions end up being bad ones in hindsight, perhaps it’s time to reconsider just how spontaneous you want to be going forward.

I’m willing to bet more than one of you finds my constant yammering about movies more than a little exasperating. But that’s what I’m passionate about, and I think passion for anything is inherently interesting, and worthy of sharing. I want to know what my friends are passionate about, and I want to know their opinions about those subjects. For example -and I know he won’t mind that I call him out- my buddy Travis (who I first met playing Call of Duty on XBOX of all places) is a self-proclaimed socialist. That, in and of itself, makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Almost all of his posts are political views that I vehemently disagree with. And despite that, I always read his opinions, if for no other reason than intellectual curiosity. I argue with him on Facebook and sometimes even while we’re playing Call of Duty together. For one, I appreciate that he actually writes in proper English (even if he doesn’t speak it very well while we’re playing XBOX), and I can comprehend what he’s trying to say. As I’ve demonstrated, that’s not always the case, is it? I want to know if and when he’ll say something I agree with (which has happened), or come up with an idea or solution to an issue that I hadn’t considered. It’s because he’s so passionate about that stuff that I continue to find it interesting. He’s never gonna convert me into a far left-winger, but I admire the fact that at least he’s honest enough to come out and say why he believes what he believes. That’s more than I can say about most Democrats, including (arguably) the President of the United States. But I would never know this stuff about my buddy if I weren’t friends with him on Facebook, so again, the pluses far outweigh the minuses. I’d much rather read him saying that taxes should go up than someone else proclaiming, “Just reheated some Chinese food! Yum! <3”

I like opinions, the more informed and fervent the better. Opinions about anything. Even if I disagree, it’s always good to know what people are thinking about. What concerns you enough that you feel all your friends should be made aware of it, too? I like knowing what you’re passionate about, because it always reveals something about you, consciously or not. I may not like people as a whole, but I remain fascinated by them. What does that say about me?

I wanna know what my friends think, much more so than what they’re doing. Unless what you’re doing is exciting or stimulating in some way, at which point, tell me all about it, show me some pictures of it, whatever. That’s cool. I don’t need to know what you’re eating for dinner, or what time you’re going to bed, or that you’ve got a test in the morning. Why? Because those events are only noteworthy to the people living them with you.

In My Own Defense

Before some simpleton finishes reading this, and then gives me the obligatory “stop whining” or “you complain too much” or “Why does everything piss you off?” routine (there’s always someone saying something like that every time I do a rant), let me spell a couple of things out. Of course, I shouldn’t have to defend myself, but I want to clear up any confusion for the ignorant. (And I’m only gonna do this once.) I often get the feeling, based on some of the reactions I get to my more, let’s call them “strongly worded” posts, that I’m being badly misunderstood, that some people think I’m too mean-spirited or I complain too much. I mean, come on. If you’ve spent any time with me in person, I would hope you know better. I have an online persona that is often very different than my actual personality. More importantly, not everything I say on here is meant to be taken seriously. Furthermore, not once have I held some stupid thing a friend has said or posted online against them in real life.

Most of the time, I try to be at least a little funny while I’m doing my bitching. Of course, whether or not I’m successful is up to the reader. I think it’s abundantly clear when I’m being dead serious (i.e. when I talk about gas prices) and when I’m simply poking fun. If you don’t like or appreciate comedians like George Carlin (my favorite stand-up comic ever, and a big influence on my humor and writing style), I’m sure I do come across as a miserable a-hole. Oh well. I won’t be changing the way I write because some people don’t get it. I have confidence in my friends, most of whom are very intelligent.

I’m willing to bet that anyone who’s known me for more than two days would testify under oath that regardless of how much turmoil may exist in my personal life, I don’t portray that when I step out of the house. I assure you, none of what I complain and joke about on here keeps me up at night. No, my nightmares occur during the day, as I bear witness to the general stupidity of mankind. Then I report that stupidity back to you in a hopefully articulate, somewhat humorous manner. It’s a wonderful cycle. It’s what Carlin did so brilliantly for decades, and it’s what I try to do in my own way. Enjoy. Or don’t. Just don’t tell me to stop complaining. Tell your fellow man to stop being dumb, inconsiderate, lazy and arrogant.

If you made it to the end, bravo and thank you. Your patronage is much appreciated. Feel free to comment and let me know some Facebook fads that drive you batty that I neglected to mention. Or tell me I complain too much, after which I’ll hire a 6’7″, 400-pound thug to come and end you.

Fun fact: the word Facebook appears 27 times in this post.

For our Recommended Listening, here’s my favorite track off of The Strokes‘ solid new album, Angles. It’s called “Taken For a Fool”:  

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2 Responses to “Written in the Dark: The Facebook Rant”


  1. 1 That Bastard April 26, 2011 at 7:36 PM

    First off: you’re not allowed to make fun of somebody’s spelling and grammar when you are also in violation of said rule.

    Secondly: You did not invent the word moronitude. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moronitude
    Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.

    Still, your post did elicit some guffaws. Keep up the good work.

  2. 2 Biggie April 29, 2011 at 11:50 PM

    Yer gonna get guffawed. I guess going forward I should just assume every stupid word is on Urban Dictionary. Lesson learned. That said, I did come up with moronitude independently. Sonsabitches.


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